Feeling “fat” has been a way of being for the past couple of months. I catch myself again and again going back to a teenager’s mind that asks for thinner thighs and a not too poochy stomach, only to press the mental “DELETE” button each time one of these old thoughts pop up, pushing it away instead of facing how I’m feeling.
It must be the post-holiday season blues, or the stress I’m carrying as I try and balance out new parts of my own personal business, but please know, guys, I know I’m not fat. Almost all of us that spend our time thinking we are fat, are not fat.
We are women. With curves and wrinkles and a ton of world changing potential beneath the beauty of our warm smiles, and swinging hips. We are not teenagers anymore and shouldn’t want to look like them even though society shouts at us from every angle that we should. And, I call out in the midst of all of that mania… BULLSHIT (sorry for the language, Mom).
And, a few weeks back I had almost broken out of the feeling fat cycle. I could hear the voice of the angry teenager in my mind die down to a smaller and smaller eye-rolling, whine, as I worked through these feelings in meditation, my yoga practice, Ho’oponopo work, and my home base, The Course in Miracles. I was almost there, back to myself, so that I could then cheer other women on as they sort through their own body image issues, both in and out of the confines of the yoga studio.
But, then I found I had one more hoop to jump through, so I could learn the big life lesson that this situation was bringing to me. At a get-together one night, I got caught in a conversation with someone that started talking about their own body image issues, in which they then made a comment that made me feel like the biggest, blobbiest person on the planet, as they compared their frame with mine.
I plastered a smile on my face and made it through to the other side of the evening, knowing instantly what the lesson was.
I could have blamed that person for making me feel “fat.” But, the truth of the matter is, no one can make you feel anything. I was responsible for my feelings around this issue and I had allowed the feeling to happen.
It would be easy for me to turn the other person into the villain. But, I am a far worse villain to myself than that person ever would be to me. And, they didn’t mean to make me feel small. If they did, that’s their own issue to work through.
Also, it’s not up to my friends and family to keep up with my “triggers.” I am responsible for me – the thoughts I think, the choices I make, the way I move through the world. Asking others to tread lightly on certain subjects is a form of narcissism. Be aware when others ask this of you. They are not the high-vibin’ people you want to surround yourself with as you travel through this one and only life of yours.
So, what does this have to do with yoga this week? Everything. Yoga is the study of YOU. It’s everything down to your tiniest thought or action. Pay attention to the lessons life has to offer you. I thought what I was going through was just some of my old tapes coming up for a replay when actually I was supposed to learn more about taking accountability for my own feelings and not allowing others to knock me off my positive path.
And, I’m grateful for it all. I’m back to smiling at my sweaty self in the studio mirrors, admiring my strong, thick thighs, and yoga booty and being the woman I came here to be. Loving myself first, so I can share all the love in my heart with others.
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