Starting from Scratch Once Again


About a month ago, I started meditating for fifty minutes every single day – whether I want to or not. The meditation has helped me physically and mentally to let go of what is not serving me in new ways: my hip and lower spine seem to be causing me less trouble, I am aware of when I am clinging to keeping things the way I would like them to be instead of letting life unfold before me, and I am happier and full of fresh energy.

Meditation has been a part of my life for almost fifteen years, but my dedication to it ebbs and flows and right now, as I move into a new phase of my life, taking on new challenges, I knew it was time to recommit in a new way. And though the meditations have had a positive influence on my days they also have left me feeling raw from the inside out as I clear my old energy.

When I step on my mat I can feel how raw and open I feel and I have to will myself to keep moving through my yoga asana practice in ways I haven’t in the past. I feel more sensitive to the heat. As my hip and lower spine begin to heal, I’ve had to adjust to sore muscles in places I haven’t experienced in the past that give me an uneasy feeling as I move from posture to posture. It’s as if I am having to start from scratch once again. And because of this… I know I am on the right track.

Why do we always think that every step in our yoga practice* will unfold beautifully to the next phase with a gentle serenity? In my experience it is quite the opposite. Sometimes the push to the next phase of your life is a fiery, hot mess, that leaves you stumbling through the next door. There is no floating through on a white cloud of light.

Others, when they witness your transitions, might think you are floating through, but what they see and what is going on internally can feel quite the opposite. Sometimes when you are working towards something new, when you are releasing your patterns and past hurts, you have to burn the whole house down. We like to think we are adding a new addition to the house, a new room, perhaps? But no. You find out you have rats in the basement and termites in the walls and it’s better to just start over and build something brand new.

This can be scary. But what I think is more frightening is staying where I am right now. I want to take the whole journey that Life has to offer. Playing in my comfort zone isn’t going to help me grow or learn or evolve. I’d rather walk through the fire and see what’s on the other side than stay safe or even, as some might react, run away from it.

And, as the days pass, and the meditation time has become part of my daily routine, I am starting to see glimpses of the new structure I am building upon and it carries a freedom of Self I didn’t have before. The rawness and the classes that I thought would never end were worth it in ways I can’t even try to explain.

So, yogis, if you are feeling like you are starting from scratch once again. Know that you are in the best place! Get excited. Life is about to change for the better. No, you won’t be who you were when you started to go deeper. You could quite possibly become who you always wanted to be.

(*Please remember asana, or postures, are just a part of a complete yoga practice.)

Originally posted to on September 18, 2018

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